Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.