@Nahdude83

Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

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@Marlinaire

Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

@briangaar

Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.

@distracted_monk

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

@AmishPornStar1

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

@zolofighter

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

@seamussaid

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

@justmiche74

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

@batkaren

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week