Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
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Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
The 5 second rule doesn’t count if you have a 3 second dog.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you
Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week