Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
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[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
three things we don’t talk about
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Livid.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.