Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”