Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.


Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.


craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too


I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”


When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.


My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.


ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.


[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this


My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.