@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

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@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

@carlyken

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’ll straight up bring a farmer to a flea market and a flea to a farmers market I really don’t give a shit anymore.

@bigmacher

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

@RodLacroix

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

@Shade510

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

@bluestmoon_

Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.

@contradiction70

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.