Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.


The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.


I’ll straight up bring a farmer to a flea market and a flea to a farmers market I really don’t give a shit anymore.


When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.


[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?


Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.


Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.


I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.