Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
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UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
this is the best day of my life
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
beware of dog
(jukin media)