@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

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@StephenKing

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

@amietorii

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

@Koonass3

If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

@clichedout

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

@phalguy

I’ve got 99 problems,
but my OCD wants one more.