Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
PETE: Im Pete
PETER: Im Peter
PETE: Its not a competition
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby