Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”