@Tmoney68

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

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@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault

@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@Inconsteveable

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

@JUSTLisandra

The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

@demented_Ash

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

@ankles_so_weak

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby