Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

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Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault


I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.


Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”


The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.


Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.



her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine


“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby