Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

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A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.


[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums


People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.


Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job


Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.


The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!


when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..


A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.