Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”