Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
So true for me
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”