SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
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God: you’re a parrot.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: (talking to anyone)
Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.
If you walk into a room that’s empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you’re probably about to be murdered.