Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
peep davidson
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.