*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.