Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Message from the dog groomers
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
How animals would run if they were human
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.