Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— making the most of your time in isolation
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.