@sixfootcandy

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

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@valentinebaby82

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

@suecorvette

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

@daemonic3

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

@ch000ch

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

@Parkerlawyer

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

@AddledPixie

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

@unravelingfire

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

@PopSlapFunk

Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.