Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.