Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Same pineapple, same
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
#CoronaOutbreak
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying