Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
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Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Please do it!
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.