Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I didn’t realize that was an option
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle