@fillthevacuum

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

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@MoistPork

“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.

(5 minutes later)

Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”

-Women

@heavyvvaves

What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO

@the_real_keg

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

@ryangriffiths

People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.

@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@RodLacroix

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

@ObscureGent

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

@GreatestWeight

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

@GingerHotDish

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie