Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.