Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

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Her: Your c**k is small
Me: An RV is big until you park it in the Grand Canyon.


Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?


My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.


I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.


My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.


me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia


if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab


Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.