Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Hitlers gonna hitl
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam