Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

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It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.


95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.


Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents


The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.


Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff


“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire


I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it


[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]


My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist


Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.