It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.