Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
The Backseat Boys
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas