Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first