@WilliamAder

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

You Might Also Like

@MomOfTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

@FunnyBison

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

@junejuly12

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

@junejuly12

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

@StoneAgeRadio13

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’

@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

@HeyoShellz

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth