Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.