Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.


DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?


As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day


Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years


*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*


Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.


My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’


Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.


[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth