got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm