got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
That’s what I call a flat tire
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
The first matador
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.