@STACEYNIGHTMARE

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

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@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

@aissalanis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

@BeamishBoi

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

@spaceboyriley

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

@JediGigi

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

@KeetPotato

[schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you’re allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda

@garrydavenport

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

@CelebrityChez

Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

@MizzusT

Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83