Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you’re allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83