Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
lol
I hope google does well on my son’s test
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Guantanamo Bae
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.