Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
How software testing works
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.