Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Meme Monday.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace