@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

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@truegritrumble

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

@junejuly12

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

@ssholeEric

A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married

@juliussharpe

Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.

@notittryagain

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

@WheelTod

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away