Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Wake me when AI does housework
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”