Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.


I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.


*wife notices the books all over the floor*



45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…


Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.


Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused


The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.


To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.


HOROSCOPE: You’ll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it’s like they know me.