@TheCatWhisprer My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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@TheCatWhisprer 
@GrantTanaka I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
@TheMichaelRock *wife notices the books all over the floor*
FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!
@Classy_Cassy89 45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:
Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…
@IamJackBoot Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
@Fred_Delicious Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
@TwinSurvivalist The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
@MaryJustice86 To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
@AthenaMystique Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.
@jwoodham HOROSCOPE: You’ll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it’s like they know me.