[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away