Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
You Might Also Like
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!