@michaelianblack

Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time.

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@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@Gotham3

If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn’t her type, I’d be her type.

@RandomlyMJ

Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

@stupidoldandy

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

@Douchekevin

Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.

@pseudofauxme

My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.

@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

@amazymay72x

Me: Cleaning the basement.

12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.

13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.

Yep…throwing out HER crap.