Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time.
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The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn’t her type, I’d be her type.
Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.
My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: Cleaning the basement.
12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.
13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.
Yep…throwing out HER crap.