Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
You Might Also Like
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…