@Kristen_Arnett

got to inbox zero and a feeling of wellness entered my body, my skin cleared up, immediately hydrated, perfect 20/20 vision, all my pants fit, best hair day

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@Muath_tu

My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.

@mejustbeth

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

@rikpayne

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

@Lisabug74

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

@zachreinert03

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

@EJGomez

if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.

thanks & God bless

@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

@fouadelbatrawi

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

@GrantTanaka

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT