The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
happy friday
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂