@merestromb

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

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@ebrawley

Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok

@momjeansplease

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

@LizHackett

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

@Poutymcgee

“You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You’re an amazing singer!”

– Vodka

@Ygrene

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

@TheTweetOfGod

Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.

@mack44_d

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’