[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*
Priest: the bride, sir
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
“You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You’re an amazing singer!”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.