Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
My favorite farside!!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish