can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
TEACHER: and ur last?
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!