Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

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can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this


Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.


[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner


TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
ME: Juan
TEACHER: and ur last?
ME: Derwall
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*


If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.


Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!