Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
then why did i get this email
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.