got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Nothing.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.