Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot