My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
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Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…