Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.

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I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.


Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today


When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.


Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.


No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.


May you have the kind of friends who will hunt down your internet troll reply-guys, and gif them to death. 🤜🤛


They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.


Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.