Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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I would like even faster food.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine