Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
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Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
thats my bad
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*