[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
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We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I wish I could veto my bills.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Have kids, they said
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.