gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”