Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I have lumps on my head.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope