@El_nacho_Nigre

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

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@turtledumplin

If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.

@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

@TheHyyyype

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

@caroline_umc

Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?

Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@WheelTod

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

@fro_vo

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

@Nahdude83

*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
[crowd “awws”]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd “oohs”]
*wins $1*

@TedInModeration

Rips off my shirt to reveal an S on my chest that’s actually remnants of last nights spaghettiO’s