“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

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If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.


Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.


philosophy professor: you must question everything


me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit


Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?

Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.


A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.


Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.


Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold


*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
[crowd “awws”]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd “oohs”]
*wins $1*


Rips off my shirt to reveal an S on my chest that’s actually remnants of last nights spaghettiO’s