@El_nacho_Nigre

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

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@Henry_3k

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

@TheMichaelRock

People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.

@clichedout

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

@momtransparent1

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

@CruisinSoozan

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

@shesananteater

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

@TheRolo

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

@JonBaker

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

@withanewname

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope