Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
eggs benadryl
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.