Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.
Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.
*more than twice.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Wait a second … Water parks have restrooms … For what?!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…
“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.