@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

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@OVO_Ty15

Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again

@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

@drunkNnaughty

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

@WheelTod

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

@kelownagoose

Fun game:

Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…

“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”

And wait.

@Darlainky

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

@UncleDuke1969

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

@rainerfm

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.