Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.