@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

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@thepaulahunt

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

@HatfieldAnne

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

@robrouse

Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”

@lisaxy424

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

@Sickayduh

[England 1320]
“Dearest fair lady, thou art the finest in the land. Allow me to gaze upon thee soon. My love grows.”

*waits 6 months*

“K”

@michaelianblack

Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”

@fro_vo

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

@CAshmanActor

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.