Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@FreddyAmazin

3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.

@Gre_Gone

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

@AnitaHelmet

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

@sexncake

My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts

@emmabetsinger

There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.

@caithuls

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@Kryzazy

Saying “no” is okay, setting boundaries is okay, canceling plans is okay, eating your weight in Halloween candy is okay, pushing someone down a flight of stairs when they are rude to you is okay.
It’s called self care and it’s critical.

@TwinSurvivalist

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire