Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@captainkalvis

customer: can i get a microwave

me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello

@fart

oh

@QwertyJones3

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

@KalvinMacleod

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

@Jake_Vig

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

@flaskofwhiskeyy

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.

@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@DadandBuried

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

@PinkCamoTO

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

@northcoastkevin

My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.