Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

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3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.


[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”


My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts


There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.


HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks


I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.


Saying “no” is okay, setting boundaries is okay, canceling plans is okay, eating your weight in Halloween candy is okay, pushing someone down a flight of stairs when they are rude to you is okay.
It’s called self care and it’s critical.


Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?


I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire