customer: can i get a microwave
me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”
Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.