I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“Dearest fair lady, thou art the finest in the land. Allow me to gaze upon thee soon. My love grows.”
*waits 6 months*
Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I’m never like, “Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.