@jordan_stratton

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

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@RandomRamblr

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

@Jake_Vig

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

@freeDone01

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

@ThaJawn

Columbus: I like it here

Native American: Me too, that’s why I live here

Columbus: Why you ‘used to live here’

@BobTheSuit

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

@_elvishpresley_

Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea

producer: great

Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars

producer: go on

Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast

producer: can they also be…furious?

Vin Diesel: i dont see why not

producer: let’s make fifty

@Lottie_Poppie

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

@neiltyson

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.