@jordan_stratton

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

@Smooheed

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

@PhilipNByrne

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@Jandalize

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

@2questionable

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

@krisv_723

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

@Playing_Dad

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

@malt_skull

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

@Bipartisanism

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.