Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Columbus: I like it here
Native American: Me too, that’s why I live here
Columbus: Why you ‘used to live here’
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea
Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars
producer: go on
Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast
producer: can they also be…furious?
Vin Diesel: i dont see why not
producer: let’s make fifty
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.