Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.