Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.