governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
wish me luck lads
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.