governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.


Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.


“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day


Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than “horsemeat”.


“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”


Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.


every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.


I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of WNBA history.


[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”