@GrantTanaka

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

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@BetteMidler

Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.

@rudetanks

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

@notmythirdrodeo

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

@CanadianCyn

If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

@iamjohnsarris

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.