We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
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Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment