@Donna_McCoy

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

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@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

@mollzbenn

Ambien before beer, nothing tur fleer, beer befra Ambien, sam sumber sambien

@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@pharmasean

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

@FuzzyDuck17

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

@illingsworth

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

@AbbieEvansXO

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment