Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
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Forgetting what you went into the kitchen to get is one thing but, it’s darn scary when you can’t remember why you went into the bathroom!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.
“What time will you be home?”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]