“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Google Pay be like:
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories